One week before the wedding, I had a phone call which almost
sent me over the edge. It was my Grandad.
“Hiya love. Guess where your nan and I are now?”
I paused for effect. “The wedding venue, by any chance?” (He’d
already prepped me three days prior that he would be visiting the place, so it
wasn’t difficult to figure out.)
“Yes. We’re here now, just having a bite to eat.”
“Lovely.”
“And we’re just wondering, love – ”
Here we go
“ – where do we need to get dropped off in the mini bus? ‘Cause
it’s quite a walk you know, from the road to the ceremony? And I just couldn’t
get that postcode you gave me to work on the sat nav –”
It wasn’t a ridiculous question. It was a perfectly
reasonable question, asked in a perfectly reasonable way. But it was the latest
in a whole succession of questions – a barrage of which, never even occurred to
me when we started to plan the wedding.
It was one question too many.
I took a deep breath, calmly repeated the instructions I’d
given him just a couple of days before, whilst Facebook messaging the fiancé – ‘I
need fucking Prozac! Stat!’
He replied: ‘Lol’
Helpful.
Weddings are beautiful. They’re a celebration of two people
who love one another so much, that they want to share that love with the whole
world. They want to share a name, share legal rights, share possessions – and share
each other for their whole lives.
But weddings are stressful too. Man, are they stressful.
“What happens after the ceremony?”
“Do we have to have our picture taken?”
“Have you booked a photographer?”
“What time are you getting married?”
“Will there be food there?”
“What shall I wear?”
“How shall I get there?”
“How will I get home?”
“Who will look after my children?”
“Who’s going to let the dog out for me?”
“Where is it again?”
Jesus Christ.
Myself, as a wedding guest, am quite a simple creature. The
invitation arrives in the post. I read it, make a note of the date (in my head)
and RSVP in the preferred way. Then, the whole event is forgotten, until I
notice Facebook posts from the bride-to-be, citing just how close the big day
has become.
Shit – that means it’s time to dig the invite out again. And
so I do (after throwing cutlery, receipts and bills all over the kitchen) notice
that it’s just a couple of weeks away, double check that we are (definitely) free,
and then do a quick Google search of the area to assess taxis, hotels and all
the other logistics that go into rocking up at a wedding.
Then, I simply arrive on the day and let the events unfold.
But not everyone has this same procedure for Being A Wedding
Guest. Particularly not the people closest to you. The mistake I made was to
assume that people would just read the invitation, and turn up. I wasn’t prepared
for the constant nit picking of other people’s personal lives, and how your one
Big Day will affect them. And because I wasn’t prepared for it – I didn’t know
how to handle it.
The fiancé, when we first starting planning, suggested that
we include an information pack with the invites. A map of the venue, and where
different events would be taking place, a list of hotels in the area, taxi
numbers, parking facilities – the times everything would happen.
But I dismissed the idea as silly, and a bit unnecessary –
not to mention expensive.
My advice? Unless you’re getting married feet away from your
own doorstep, if your guests have to travel even a short way, if you think your
venue is even the least bit difficult to access?
Spend the money. Make the info pack. And send it out with
your invites.
It will save you months of anxiety, stress and panic. When
you have the enormous task of planning a wedding to contend with, the last thing
you need is other people’s timescales, travel plans, childcare and accommodation
worries to add to the stress.
Maybe you’ll only get one concern per guest. But when you
multiply that one question by the number of guests – that anxiety soon adds up.
If you've been clear on your ‘no children’ rule, stand your ground. Imagine Guest Number One rocking up with a whole brood, when Guest Number Two sold their liver on the black market just to get a sitter.
So how best to deal with it?
Top Tips: Ease Stress and Manage Your Guests Effectively
- Remember your guests are not out to get you.
You chose these people to be at your
wedding because they are the most important people in the world to you. Your
guests are asking questions because they are excited for your big day. They don’t
want to miss anything – they want to see you marry the love of your life. They
want to be there to share in your happiness. They don’t want to turn up late,
or park in the wrong place and miss hearing you say the ‘I do’s’. They’re not
asking questions to stress you out, they’re asking questions because they love
you.
- Try to deal with each concerned guest as an individual.
Ok, so you’ve just been asked ‘what time is
the wedding’ for the umpteenth time. What you want to do is scream: ‘Just read
the fucking invitation, for fucks’ sake!!’ But you can’t – because that would
be rude and probably quite upsetting for the poor person who just wants to
arrive on time. Smile, answer the question, and remember – this may be the umpteenth
time you’ve heard this – but it could be the first time this particular person
has asked the question.
- Remember that other people have busy lives.
It is so easy to think the world revolves
around your wedding. You’ve been saving for God knows how long, the only thing
on your social calendar at the moment is either the actual wedding day or
smaller events focused around the wedding (hen party, stag party, meeting the
caterers, meeting the photographer, meeting the venue dresser) so it’s little
wonder you probably have no idea what is going on in anybody else’s life. But it
is important to take a step back and be rational – because you know how busy
you feel right now planning the wedding? That’s how busy your guests currently
feel, with their full time job, new promotion, running their own business,
looking after three kids, running a household or caring for relatives. The
world does not actually revolve around your day. And that invitation you sent
out? It’s probably gathering dust somewhere, hidden under mounds of kids’ toys
and utility bills. Not ideal, but that’s just the way it is.
- Manage logistics early, and plan ahead
If you’re still in the early stages of
planning, and you’ve yet to send out your invitations, please, please for the
love of God – consider the information pack. Or even create your own website to
help with the planning process. Try http://www.gettingmarried.co.uk/
- it gives your guests an online RSVP facility, maps of the venue and
surrounding areas, hotel recommendations and forums for guests to chat (and
possibly arrange transport and accommodation sharing). This may not be the best
idea for the older generation, but certainly the more tech-savvy would benefit.
And, it’s FREE.
In short? Don’t presume your guests will
simply Google the best means of transport to your venue, and the best places to
stay nearby. Some will, others absolutely will not. And the information pack
will be like a Holy Grail to them.
- Choose your battles
However, on the flip side – you also
need to know when to be lenient. If you have a guest telling you they’re
allergic to fish (and you already paid up for a sea bass supper) but you didn’t
ask about food allergies and intolerances – this is not the time to get tough.
Speak to the caterers and ask them to change the main for the relevant guests,
no matter how short notice. Pay the extra if you have to. You can’t mess with
people’s health.
Second to that – always ask about
intolerances when you’re sending out your invites, and ask your guests to include
any details with the RSVP.
- Finally - remain calm and be helpful. You’re the only one who can answer these questions.
If it’s already too late, the wedding day
is looming and you didn’t think about the logistics in the early days, unfortunately
you have to just grin and bear it. Take it for what it is – you didn’t supply
the information in the first place, or at least not in the best way for your
guests, and the only person who has all the answers is you. Be respectful, and
try to help your guests out. If you blow your top, you could end up being a few
guests down.
And you don’t want that – wedding food is
expensive after all.
Don't you bloody know it.
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